Flooded? Don’t Scream – Try Ice Cream: Simple Vagus Nerve Calming Techniques for Couples

Cold stimulation has been linked to reduced emotional overwhelm.

When You Feel Like Screaming, Try Ice Cream: Tips from a Couples Therapist for Managing Flooding

When you’re in the middle of a heated discussion with your partner and suddenly feel your heart pounding, your chest tightening, or your mind going blank, you may be experiencing what the Gottman Institute calls flooding. Flooding happens when your nervous system becomes so overwhelmed that your body goes into survival mode - fight, flight, or freeze. You might feel the urge to yell, find yourself ‘zoning out’, or walk away. In that state, reasoning and empathy take a back seat.

The trick isn’t to avoid getting flooded altogether (it happens to everyone) but to learn how to calm your body and recover faster. Below are some easy, research-backed ways to help your nervous system settle, so you can reconnect and communicate more effectively.

1. Eat Ice Cream (or Anything Cold)

Cold sensations at the back of the throat stimulate the vagus nerve, which helps activate the body’s calming “rest and digest” response. Eating something cold - like ice cream, frozen berries, or sipping iced water - can trigger this reflex, slowing your heart rate and easing physiological arousal.

A supporting study published in Clinical Neurophysiology Practice (see reference below) found that cold stimulation on the neck area increased cardiac-vagal activation - in other words, it helped people’s bodies switch from stress to calm mode.

Our expert team provides accessible evidence-based strategies

2. Take a Break (and Mean It)

When you feel flooded, step away. Research suggests taking at least 20 to 30 minutes for your body to physiologically cool down. Let your partner know you’ll return to the conversation later - this isn’t stonewalling, it’s self-regulation.

3. Try the Physiological Sigh

This simple breathing technique resets your system quickly. How to do it: Take a long inhale, then a short second sip of air before slowly exhaling through your mouth. Repeat three to five times. You’ll often feel your shoulders drop and your heart rate ease within moments.

4. Use the 5–4–3–2–1 Grounding Technique

When you’re emotionally spinning out, orient yourself with your senses:

• 5 things you can see

• 4 things you can touch

• 3 things you can hear

• 2 things you can smell

• 1 thing you can taste
  This simple exercise signals to your brain: I’m safe, I’m present, I can handle this.

5. Hum, Chant, or Sing

Because the vagus nerve passes through the throat, gentle vocalisation directly stimulates it. Humming, singing softly, or even repeating a calming word can bring your body back to baseline. (Bonus points if your partner joins in.)

6. Use Cold Water

A splash of cold water on your face works wonders. It activates what’s called the “dive reflex,” slowing your heart rate and helping the body shift gears from alarm to calm.

7. Engage Your Senses (and Embrace a Little Hygge)

Creating a cozy, comforting environment can help your nervous system reset, and there’s a Scandinavian word for this kind of warm, soothing atmosphere: hygge. Think soft blankets, warm drinks, gentle lighting, or even a favourite scented candle - anything that makes you feel safe and content. Placing a hand over your heart, wrapping up in a soft throw, or enjoying a small comfort item can all signal to your body that it’s okay to relax. Some couples even keep a “grounding kit” on hand with textured objects, calming scents, or a weighted lap pad - your personal hygge corner for stressful moments.

8. Move Your Body

Flooding traps adrenaline in your system. Shaking out your hands, stretching, or walking briskly helps release that energy and restore balance. Even a short walk around the block can make difficult conversations easier to revisit.

9. Practice Co-Regulation

Couples who learn to notice and soothe flooding - in themselves and each other - change the entire tone of their relationship. A calm tone, gentle eye contact, or a reassuring touch can all help regulate your partner’s nervous system and rebuild connection in real time.

10. Build Vagal Tone Daily

Just like exercise, emotional regulation gets easier with practice. Breathing exercises, yoga, mindfulness, and laughter all strengthen vagal tone - meaning your body recovers from stress faster and you’re less likely to become flooded in the first place.

Flooding is part of being human, but it doesn’t have to derail connection. By using grounding tools, vagus nerve techniques, and yes, occasionally reaching for ice cream, you can learn to calm faster, stay connected longer, and turn conflict into repair.

Reconnect, and strengthen your relationship. Book your couples therapy session today.

If you’d like to learn more about managing flooding or building emotional safety in your relationship, our team at Lighthouse Relationships offers couples therapy focused on emotional regulation, communication, and long-term connection.

Reference

Bretherton, B., Atkinson, L., Murray, A., Clancy, J., Deuchars, S., & Deuchars, J. (2019). Effects of cold stimulation on cardiac-vagal activation in healthy participants. Clinical Neurophysiology Practice, 4, 208–214. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cnp.2019.08.001