Are you Shouting So Loud Nobody Can Hear You? Couples Therapy and the Power of Soft Startups
The research is in: a soft start to a tricky conversation makes all the difference
Shouting So Loud Nobody Can Hear You — Couples Therapy and the Power of Softness in your Startups
When couples come to couples therapy, one of the first things we explore is how they communicate - especially when emotions run high. Many people believe that if they just make themselves heard - speak louder, argue harder, or insist more forcefully - their partner will finally understand.
But in relationships, as in life, raising your voice rarely raises understanding. Real connection happens in the gentle approach: calm words, open curiosity, and a focus on feelings rather than blame.
The Research Behind Gentle Beginnings
Modern relationship science has confirmed what many couples intuitively know. Drs John and Julie Gottman, pioneers in couples therapy, found that the way a couple begins a conversation about conflict predicts, with astonishing accuracy, how that conversation will end.
They call it the “soft startup.” When one partner begins gently - expressing feelings rather than criticism, needs rather than blame - the discussion is far more likely to end in understanding. But when it starts harshly, with anger, accusation, or sarcasm, it almost always ends badly.
In fact, Gottman’s research suggests the first three minutes of a difficult conversation can determine its entire trajectory.
What a Harsh Start Sounds Like
Harsh starts are often unintentional. They’re what happens when frustration spills out as blame. It can sound like:
“You never listen to me.”
“Why are you always so selfish?”
“I’m sick of having to do everything around here.”
“You just don’t care anymore.”
Each of these begins with accusation - and the moment our partner feels attacked, the brain shifts into self-protection mode. Defensiveness rises, empathy drops, and the conversation becomes about who’s right instead of what hurts.
The Gentle Alternative
A gentle or “soft” start focuses on feelings and needs rather than faults. It sounds more like:
“I feel unheard when I talk about things that matter to me. Can we take a few minutes to really listen to each other?”
“I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately and could really use a bit more help.”
“I miss feeling connected to you. Can we talk about how to bring that back?”
The difference is striking. A gentle start creates a sense of emotional safety - it opens the door, rather than slamming it shut.
Why Gentleness Works
Gentleness doesn’t mean weakness. It means strength under control - the ability to stay connected to what matters most, even when upset. From a neuroscience perspective, gentle communication keeps both partners’ nervous systems calmer, allowing access to empathy, perspective, and problem-solving.
As the Gottmans put it, “You can be right, or you can be in a relationship.” The soft startup is about choosing the relationship.
Practising the Gentle Approach
If you’d like to experiment with this in your own relationship, try these steps:
Pause before you speak. Notice your tone and body language.
Start with “I feel…” instead of “You always…”
Describe the problem, rather than labelling your partner.
Ask for what you need instead of demanding what should stop.
Even small shifts in how you start conversations can transform conflict into understanding, and arguments into connection.
At Lighthouse Relationships, our couples therapy sessions are designed to help you learn these evidence-based tools in a supportive, practical way. Whether you’re caught in recurring conflict or simply want to communicate more effectively, learning how to start gently can be one of the most transformative steps you take toward lasting connection.